I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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