We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
