Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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