upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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