im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
