An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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