What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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