I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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