We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
