Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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