lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
