Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
