??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
