I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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