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Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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