I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
