Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
