the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
