So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
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This beer is not sobering me up at all
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
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I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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