Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
