every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
