cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
