either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Randomize
