i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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