The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
