Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
