Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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