Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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