i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
