Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize