Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
