Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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