i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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