Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
