i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
