I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
