He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
