today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
