I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
