Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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