Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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