She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
