On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
