There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
