the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
