I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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