WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I am available for nakedness
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
