The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
