My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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