So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
