I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
