I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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