Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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