Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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