We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
