remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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