Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I need to align my fucking chakras
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
