If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize