my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
